SACRIFICING YOUR WELL-BEING FOR AFTER SCHOOL ACTIVITIES – IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

After school activities are great for children to evacuate extra energy, but are they worth yours?

Too often mothers sacrifice their well-being and sanity to drive their kids around all week long to take them to their activities after school.  Why is that? 

Since the “liberation” of women occurred in the Western world, society still expects us to perform just as much in our motherly role than in our full-time job. You want to work? That’s your choice, but you still need to be a mother. Now, anyone who is a mother knows that it’s a full time job.  It doesn’t matter whether you are a stay at home mom or not. So in a sense, those who actually leave the house for a job where they get financially “rewarded” are working two jobs.

While navigating two jobs could relatively be feasible when part of a couple, it’s less so as a single parent.

Women in todays society are expected to be all things for all people, placing ourselves last on the list says Kate Northrup in her book Do Less. So much pressure is put on us to perform which we therefore transmit to our kids.  We compare ourselves to other mothers, compare our kids against each other.  In the end, it all comes down to who can out perform who on all levels.  It’s no wonder that in the 21st century motherhood has become draining.

In order to prevent that, we need to look for ways to simplify or live outside the box by disregarding what is expected of us in society. In order to change the culture we live in, we have to change ourself first. (Kate Northrup)

Let’s take a look at how we can alleviate some of that pressure by managing the after school activities so that they can accommodate your schedule. For simplicity, I’ll use the pronoun He to refer to a child.  

Reasons for after school activities

What’s the point in having kids if you barely spend time with them growing-up?

When they’re young we plug them with a pacifier not allowing them to express themselves (see my article on pacifiers and how to use them efficiently).  As they get older, we sign them up to multiple activities and don’t really spend meaningful time with them. Now, why on earth did you have a child in the first place? Because good old society said so? 

On our quest for personal success we are inflicting pressure and stress on our children.  We sign them up for all kinds of activities after school or on week-ends, not leaving them enough time to actually learn to relax and just be.  While wanting the best for them is totally acceptable, wanting them to be the best is not. They can be the best that they can be if we provide them with the proper tools.

We like to keep our kids busy but it’s not mandatory in the parenting book to have to sign your child up to after school activities So don’t feel bad if you don’t, no matter what your reasons are, just as long as you do some activities with your child.

Nonetheless, after school activities can be beneficial to your child to develop his independence, social skills and gain leadership experience.

Therefore, we sign our child up for a dance class, football, baseball, music, theatre, etc… What ever they want, right?

Reverse effect

However, signing up your child to too many activities is a sign of over-parenting.  You’re allowed to have the desire to see your child flourish without necessarily going overboard.  By creating and managing constantly your child’s schedule could create some unwanted consequences. They can develop stress and anxiety disorders, have problems with their coping skills, and a poorly develop sense of independence. (source: Wikipedia).

You don’t need to compete with other mothers.  The number of after school activities you sign your child up for will not make you seem like a good parent.  Remember this:

There’s no Oscar for best performance in parenting.

Pros and Cons of after school activities

Children nowadays participate more and more in after school activities.  This make their schedule resemble one of a Prime Minister, except you won’t have the bank account to match nor the extra help. Yes activities cost money, and some a little too much. IT’S SO MUCH PRESSURE.  Furthermore, the more activities your child does, the more it reduces your time together.

It’s a good thing when a child desires to participate in an after school activity.  He’ll be able to develop his aptitudes, creativity and curiosity.

However, over-stimulated children will become dependent on the adult’s approval (Source: magic maman).

Alternatively, we shouldn’t overload our child’s schedule in the race to succeed.  We have to give them space to just be kids, to be creative, to dream and plainly be bored. After all, they only get one childhood.

Cons

• Over-stimulation after a long day at school or daycare creates mental fatigue, irritability,  and possibly learning difficulties.

• Stress and performance anxiety.

• Decreased family time.

• Cost.

• Don’t develop their sense of self properly.

To make a child enjoy a sport you need to be interested in it and be willing to assist as much as possible at the training and the games.

Pros

Personally, I’m a big advocate in diversifying the after school activities just like I do with our family activities.  It incites the child to develop his curiosity and it’s great for him to try something that he hasn’t tried before.  That’s how he can form an objective opinion on what his likes and dislikes are without you influencing him. 

• Evacuate energy and stress from the day spent at school.

• Change their mind, think about something else.

• Discover a talent or a passion.

• Learn the sense of effort, perseverance, self control.

• Develop social skills.

• Learn to follow instructions which teaches them to focus.

Time management for working moms

First of all, in order to keep your sanity, don’t consider your child as the 3rd adult of the family. Mom and Dad are the adults. They make the decisions based on their schedule, not the other way around.  

Yes, as a mother we aim to please. We want the best for our child.  However, it shouldn’t cost you your mental health or create a burn-out.  You can still make your child happy and thrive without having to overextend yourself. 

Too often we ignore our own care in favour of others.

The most important thing is to make sure that the after school activities do not take up family time. It doesn’t matter how much time you spend with your child.  Instead, focus on the type of time you spend with him.  Being there fully for your child, in that moment, is really the greatest gift we can give. 

As a single mom, you’ll feel like the spotlight is on you.  Can you actually do this? Miraculously, you’ll have the extra drive to show you can do it all.  You’ll take care of the drop-off and pick up from school.  Then, after working a full day and week, you’ll take care of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, homework, paying bills, etc.  On top of that, you want to add after school activities? Are you nuts?  Yes, no, maybe.  Pretty soon you’ll be running on empty.  Fear not, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Simplify your life

While doing activities with your kids or having them partake in some is important, YOU need time to recharge your batteries after working all week.  Therefore, you need to simplify things to make your life easier.  

There is no shame in asking for help and you shouldn’t feel guilty either.  Help can come in different forms. Maybe you can order your groceries on line once in a while to save you a trip to the grocery store.  If you know other parents whose kid does the same activity as yours, maybe you can alternate in taking them.

The key here is to avoid constraints for everyone and having to be rushing constantly, especially after a long day at school or work. That’s why it’s often recommended to only sign your child up for one activity or possibly two per session.

Personal experience

One time, my youngest had a dance class on Fridays from 6pm to 7pm.  It was perfect because during that 1hr break, my now husband and I would go to the local pub next door to enjoy a cold brew and have some alone time.  Now you might find that a little late, but as a European we tend to eat a little later than in North America. Moreover, since it was on a Friday night, it didn’t matter too much if my son went to bed a little later than usual. Finally, a Friday night activity allowed us to have the rest of the week-end free for us to enjoy activities together as a family, tend to the chores we couldn’t do during the week and rest.

As a single mom, during the after school activities, I would either read, take care of some grocery shopping or buy myself a cup of tea and go for a walk.  Use that alone time for you once in a while, you’ll see, it makes all the difference.

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.

If you’re interested in learning on how to Do Less but be just as efficient, I recently finished reading a book by Kate Northrup.  This book will help you gain a new perspective on how to manage your schedule, your life, without feeling like you’re a chicken running around with its head cut-off.  While I’m still making adjustments to my life based on the book’s ideas, I’m already starting to reap some of its benefits.

Two in one activity

When my youngest was 6, I found a taekwondo class where parents could participate with their child.  This was perfect as I did not have the time to take a class of anything on my own.  Who would watch my kid?

I was never interested in that sport but thought why not? It was worth a try and my son thought it was fun to do an activity with his mom.  Admittedly, he was particularly “proud” to watch me “compete” and stand my ground against the other parents, the majority of which were male. They can be so competitive, especially against women, always racing to the finish.

Being able to take this class with my son and share this new experience together allowed us to bond more.  

Quite similarly, swimming classes, aquagym, yoga, Zumba classes are available for parents and child. They do vary in ages, but they exist.  The YMCA is a good place to start when you are looking for that type of activity or you can check with your local sports center.

In picking after school activities, to simplify my life, I always tried to find one that we could either walk to, take public transit to or that was less than a 10 minute drive. The closer the activity is to your home the better it is for everyone.

Picking after school activities

At the end of each trimester or before the start of a new one comes the dreaded task of signing up our child for an after school activity.  There are so many different options that it can be hard to choose.  

Why do you want to sign up your child for an activity?

• Did your child say he wanted to do this activity?
• To make him exercise?
• Because you want to do like everyone else?
• To win medals?
• “Free” babysitting?

What are your child and your expectations?

It’s a lot of questions that we need to ask ourselves before signing up our child for after school activities.

As a reminder, the chosen activity needs to be fun, playful and adapted to your child.  As a parent we shouldn’t influence their choice.  We can select a few options that fit in our budget and schedule and then they choose the one that interests them the most.

Less is more

Signing up your kids  to three different activities each per session and then carting them around won’t win you points for good parenting.

Experts recommend to only pick one activity per session per child, or 2 if your child expresses interest.  Before the age of 6, it’s not really important for children to participate in an after school activity.

Especially when they are young, we have to avoid overstimulating our child. Instead, we can encourage him to learn to play by himself, to have free time.  Allowing your child to actually be bored helps him develop his sphere of creativity and imagination.

A child does not need to be kept busy at all times.

An activity shouldn’t become a burden

Activities mustn’t be a chore neither for you or your child.  We work all day, your child has school and homework. All day we are rushing around. The activity should be seen as a special treat.

My youngest has never been really passionate with any activity he took part in that required extra effort.  As much as we had fun taking Taekwondo classes together, he wasn’t really motivated to practice between classes, same thing with the guitare lessons.

It was my idea to sign him up for guitare lessons and he seemed interested.  I picked a teacher who would teach him rock music which was the style of music he enjoyed.  The reason I thought guitare lessons would be a good idea was to help him strengthen his fingers and develop his fine motor skills which were an issue at the time.  As much as my son enjoyed his guitare lessons, he wasn’t willing to put that much effort in practising between classes.

Do you see the pattern?

It’s not that easy as they grow up to find an activity that can just be recreational, that doesn’t require extra practice to get better.  Due to the Pandemic we had to wait an extra year, but finally at the age of 13, we’ve found an activity he has shown interest in. It’s the Air Cadets of Canada.  

Just like his older brother before him, my youngest is taking part in this program.  Do I want him to join the military? No.  The cadets program which you can learn more about HERE teaches the youth (12-18) about discipline, community,  public speaking, responsibility, and civic-mindedness.  Not only that, they regularly do extra activities such as play sports, go camping, take a scuba diving class, go zip-lining, etc.  Moreover, during the Summer they have summer camps that last between 2 to 6 weeks. The best part is that all of it is i FREE.

Ideas to help you pick the after school activities

• Take into consideration your child’s taste, interest and strength.

• Often, free trials are offered for classes.  If you and your child are undecided, this could be worth it.  They are usually free.

• Select the activity according to the family’s schedule.

Being forced to sacrifice your week nights or week-ends for hockey, football or baseball games, might not be what is best for your family nor you. Your child really needs to be interested enough in it for that type of commitment on both parts.

• Keep it playful, especially when they are young.

• Pick activities close to home so that you waste less time.

• Your child’s school might offer activities.  This is great if he can finish school and go directly to his activity.  That way, you don’t have to take him to it and only have to pick him up.

• Often, it’s possible to do activities together which is a great bonding experience.  You don’t always have to take a class together either.  For example, go to the pool together where you teach him how to swim, go on bike rides.

In the end, what it boils down is that you need to find a work and life balance that fits you, the parent. The true value of it all is the time we actually spend together, as a family.