Anne-Charlotte PasseraIt’s very common for couples to experience relationship problems. Everyone goes through it at one point or another. This Pandemic that we are experiencing right now has brought once hidden relational problems up to the surface. I think we can all relate to that, right?
First things first. I am not a couple therapist nor do I pretend to be one. Heck, I’m a divorced remarried kind of gal. What do I know?
Although this article is about overcoming relationship problems on your own for FREE, if the problems that you are experiencing are severe such as but not limited to physical or mental abuse, please do seek professional help. In Canada, you can seek help HERE.
I recently read the book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. They are a married couple who are both professional therapists. Before booking an appointment with a therapist or worse, file for divorce, you might want to grab their book.
Not only does it provide you with an insightful look at common relationship problems, it also gives you tools on how to overcome them on your own. Yes, for FREE.
Before I give you suggestions on to how to reduce your relationship problems based on my reading of the book, we must understand why we are experiencing problems in the first place.
Most common problems in a relationship
Couples fight because they object to difference. Some common arguments are about:
- Household chores
- Money
- Parenting style
- Intimacy
It’s totally normal to have conflicting views in a relationship. Life would be pretty boring if we agreed with each other all the time don’t you think?
Have you ever been in the middle of a fight with your partner and a feeling of deja vu crept up on you? Wait a minute, didn’t we already have this fight?
My husband and I consistently argue about the same things. THAT is boring. Although our fights are repetitive, our topics for arguments are seasonal.
In Summer, we argue about the AC and when to start it in our home or car and at what temperature. When the cold arrives, it’s about when to start the heater, who will shovel the snow, etc…
Driving somewhere is always the worse. My husband has no sense of direction, yet somehow it is my fault when he gets lost or misses an exit even though the GPS is on. I mean, he got lost after parking a car while we were in Kananaskis Country and I wasn’t even with him when he parked it!
Ooh, and don’t get me started on household chores! I mean, why is it that men are afraid to clean the toilet? After all, they are the ones who dirties it the most, just look under the toilet seat.
Our unconscious is the root of our relationship problems.
According to Harville and Helen, we unconsciously seek partners that will help us resolve childhood issues. We choose partners with complementary traits hence the phrase: My partner completes me.
These traits whether positive or negative are likely to resemble the ones of our parents. Therefore, we will end up being just as frustrated and disappointed because of them like we were with our parents. That sounds crazy right?
If you want to know what kind of person a client is married to, imagine his or her opposite.
When we look for a partner, we are searching for someone who satisfies our fundamental needs and are drawn to what feels familiar to us. That’s why after meeting someone, we might feel like we’ve known them forever. Our brains fuses the image of our new partner with one of our caregivers. It is a similar bonding process that is experienced through a mother and a child.
However, when the courtship ends, usually when a commitment is made, whether it be to move in together, get engaged or get married, the power struggle begins.
The underlying cause of most couples’ discontent lies beneath the surface.
The power struggle
We all have different ideas of what traditional roles are to be. These ideas have been developed partly through our upbringing and reinforced by cultural stereotypes. If we don’t discuss our expectations in advance before making a commitment, there will be an ongoing source of tension in our relationship.
When partners don’t tell each other what they want and constantly criticize each other for not giving it to them, it’s no wonder that a rupture forms in the relationship.
I don’t have to remind you that COMMUNICATION is the key to having a long lasting relationship. Our partner nor you are psychics. No one is a mind reader. If we don’t effectively communicate to each other our needs, our fears, our relationship is doomed to fail. That’s when we start avoiding each other and try to find a substitute for pleasure.
We look for ways to act out our feelings rather than put them into words.
However, we need to remember that each one of us has grown up in different families and have had different life experiences. Words or sentences will not have the same meaning to each one of us.
Examples of power struggle
In Getting the Love You Want, they give an example of separate lexicons:
When someone says: Let’s play tennis. What does that mean to you?
In Family A, this means that rules are secondary. Just grab a racket and let’s hit some balls. On the other hand, in Family B, this could mean playing a game on a real tennis court and have a winner.
Another example could be: Let’s talk about it.
While Family A might interpret it as talking briefly about the subject and then moving on as problems can work themselves out, Family B will see it as a full on discussion around a table where everyone expresses their different point of views.
As you can see by these two examples, with different upbringings, a simple phrase can have a complete different meaning to our partner.
Relationship problems for new parents
If you are a parent or soon to be one, this will probably ring a bell. It’s not uncommon to see relationship problems emerge when you add kids to the mix.
These problems are sometimes due to lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of what we once considered ‘freedom’ or because of different parenting styles. All these different elements can take a toll on your relationship.
For some little tips on how to cope with the nights or keeping good mental health, here are some articles that might be useful for you:
What Harville and Helen mention in their book and is the key element to understanding relationships is that we all need to finish childhood. Certain interactions we have with our partner in our adult lives can trigger intense anxiety that are reminiscent of a childhood trauma.
Unknowingly, as a parent ourselves, we might project and recreate a childhood trauma upon our child. All of us had imperfect parenting, including our parents, and we will never be perfect parents either.
Childhood
As our children grow (or when you were a child), they develop new needs. If the needs aren’t properly met, we (parents) can cause unwillingly some wounding.
For instance, when our babies become toddlers, they develop a need to explore.
On one hand, one parent will let the child explore on his own and greet him when he comes back. This signals that it is ok to leave the parent’s side, and it is safe.
Across the spectrum, some children might become frustrated at this stage because their parents feel insecure and won’t leave their child out of their sight. This is probably because they need their child to remain dependent on them due to their own childhood experience. However, by denying the desire to explore and be independent of their child, anxiety and anger might develop in their adult life.
So whether we don’t pay careful attention to our children’s needs or our needs weren’t met as children, we are bound to experience relationship problems in our adult lives
Two different types of parenting styles
According to Harville and Helen, there are two (simplified) categories of parenting. Although, I don’t believe you can really define parenting in two categories alone, as personally I see myself in both, it can give you an idea of what type of person you might be. It will also make you think about what type your parents were with you.
These two categories are defined as Intrusive or Neglectful caretaking from subtle to severe.
Intrusive parenting
An intrusive parent is one that is over involved in the child’s life. It is a parent that keeps telling their child on what to do, what to think, what to feel. The child is not allowed to satisfy its natural need for independence.
Thus, the child will turn into an Isolator when it becomes an adult as is referred by Harville and Helen in their book.
As defined by them, an Isolator is a person who pushes people away because it is craving personal space. They generally speak freely, think independently, have a self-reliant attitude and process emotions eternally.
When an Isolator enters a relationship that becomes serious (end of courtship) they will fight to make sure that they don’t lose their distant self.
Neglectful parenting
A neglectful parent is one who pushes their child away when they need comfort. They will say things like: Go away, I’m busy or Go play with your toys. These types of parents lack the skills to handle other people’s needs aside from their own. Hence, the child feels emotionally abandoned because he needed to spend more time with the parent.
The child will become what is referred to as a Fuser.
A Fuser will crave physical attention and reassurance. They have a need for closeness and to do things with their partner all the time.
Oddly enough, Isolators and Fusers, tend to marry each other. No wonder there is a power struggle!
Signs of a failing relationship
- How partners talk to each other is more important than what they talk about. Not talking to each other is a sure sign that something is off in your relationship. If you don’t have anything kind to say, don’t speak.
You are not “safe” if your partner puts you down and vice versa. Without safety, you can’t connect as the negativity has activated your defence mechanisms.
- You argue all the time.
It’s easy to assume that when your partner disagrees with you it’s because they are ill-informed or have a weird point of view. However, it’s not really the case. They just come from a different place than you.
So when you are in disagreement, it’s because you are rejecting each other’s otherness because it makes you uncomfortable. The image that you had of each other is threatened.
- Forget about the sex, what about physical contact? A kiss, a hug, a caress. How can you connect if you don’t touch each other? After all, the reason why people seek lasting love is due to the need to feel a sense of connection and joy. You need to feel loved and accepted and one way to achieve that is through the touch.
- Not spending time together. Do you keep avoiding each other? Think about it. Ask yourself: Am I doing this activity to avoid spending time with my partner? If yes, maybe it could be the start of a potential conversation.
Our exits
Some of us stay at work late, because we don’t want to go home to our spouse, or we go jogging, or hide in the basement or workshop, hang out with friends without our partner. All these examples can be potential signs that we are actually avoiding our partner. They are what Harville and Helen call EXITS.
I am not saying that you aren’t allowed to do activities on your own just as long as you are doing activities with your partner as well.
Personally, I hide in the bathroom when I come home from work. That’s because, as soon as step into the house, my husband starts his monologue about his day. He doesn’t leave me time to take a break from work to home, yet alone take my shoes off. My solution is to go to the bathroom.
So before you decide to throw in the towel, maybe you might want to consider doing some exercises at home in order to salvage your relationship.
How to fix your relationship problems on your own
Not everyone seeks the help of a professional when they are experiencing problems in their relationship. In fact, according to marriage.com, only 10% of couple who get a divorce went to a therapist beforehand.
In order to reconnect your relationship, you will need to redevelop trust, goodwill and bring more joy in your daily lives. Here are some exercises that Harville and Helen mention in their book. However, for a full on experience, you might want to try Part 3 of their book in its entirety.
Just remember this before doing these exercises: Two people cannot reconnect with each other until they are physically and emotionally available.
Personality traits
Compare the personality traits of your partner with people who raised you. You’ll find that the traits that match up will most often than not be the negative traits. I tested the theory and it’s true.
Harville explains that its because its your ‘old’ brain that selected your partner, not the logical part. You see, your ‘old’ brain has been trying to return you to a part of your childhood where you have unfinished business.
Through this little exercise, you might get insight into some of the sources of your arguments.
Stop avoiding each other
You need to learn to communicate with each other in order to heal your wounds. First of all, you have to give each other your full attention in order to do this exercise. Make an ‘appointment’ if you have to and set some time aside to be able to really listen to each other. Ask your partner: Is now a good time to have a conversation about (insert topic)? If your partner replies NO, ask: when will you be available?
The mirroring exercise
Essentially, one partner talks while the other one listens. Then the listening partner has to restate the sentence word for word or paraphrase it. Then, the same partner has to ask if he or she received the message correctly: Did I get it all? If you accurately mirrored what your partner said with out passing judgement or criticism, ask: Is there more to that?
The key to good communication in any type of relationship is to have a structured conversation.
It can be tricky for the listening partner as he or she will have to turn the noise of his or her own thoughts and listen attentively. The reason why the partner has to ask for confirmation of the received message is because it brings a sense of empowerment to your partner.
Both partners have to be in each role in order to experience how it feels to have someone pay close attention to them. The goal of the exercise is to become more visible to each other, create a connection and feel safe. By really listening to what exactly your partner is telling you, you might even start to develop some empathy towards them as you will be gaining some insight into their childhood and possible trauma.
A voice without echo dies.
Helen lakelly hunt
Remember. If you don’t ask, your partner can’t tell you what they want or what they feel.
Finally, you’ll start seeing you partner as another human being, struggling just as you to be happy rather than as your adversary or possibly saviour.
Positive affirmations and caring behaviours
Why are we so negative all the time? Doesn’t it just drain your energy? Since energy follows attention, whatever you focus on is what you get.
Love, just like friendship evolves slowly over time and requires thoughtfulness, sensitivity, compassion, and patience.
Put a list together of things you’d like your partner to say to you or do for you. Be as specific as you want.
Examples of caring behaviors
It can be what might seem silly as a goodbye kiss when your partner leaves for work in the morning while you are still in bed, pulling your chair for you the next time you go out to dinner, calling you once a day to say I love you, going for a walk after a meal and holding hands, taking a shower together.
The goal however is for your partner to pick and choose the ones he wants to do do and whenever he feels likes it. DON’T KEEP SCORE. It is NOT a competition to see who does the most for the other one. You have to accept the idea that to love someone unconditionally you can’t expect anything in return. Don’t take these random rewards for granted as they have a great impact on the receiver.
By practicing daily positive behaviors for each other, you will reopen the lost path of intimacy in a context of safety and pleasure.
In fact, these exercises can also be put into place with the way that you communicate with your children. We all dread to turn into our parents in one way or another. By communicating better and really listening to each other, we feel more connected to our offsprings. It’s time to break the cycle.
Word to the wise
Although these aren’t miracle exercises, they should be able to guide you back to a smoother path and help rewire your brain to a new way of relating that is more comfortable.
Being in a relationship takes commitment and dedication. But you can’t move forward together smoothly until your past traumas are acknowledged and resolved.
Should you want to take these ideas further, the Imago therapy that Harville and Hellen created is available across the globe. You can find a therapist near year you right HERE.
Aim to have a conscious relationship
A conscious partnership is all about mirroring what we say and validating each other. You have to let go of counter productive behaviours and replace them with more effective ones. Your relationship is not a competition, it’s in fact a partnership, notice the word partner?
You have to engage in the same behaviours. If you blow it, your partner is supposed to say: let’s try it again, instead of you are on your own.
Remember that your partner is not an extension of you. You are two individual beings.
There will always be a source of conflict in a relationship which is growth trying to happen. How you deal and approach conflict will determine if your relationship stays afloat.
Discourage negativity in your relationship
Sometimes we dump our frustrations onto our partner when we are all riled up. This is so toxic. Instead use the ‘I’ language and focus instead on how you experience your partner’s behaviour. “When you are late, I feel frustrated and scared.”
Negativity is a complete buzz kill in a relationship. To get the love you want in a relationship, you need to eliminate negativity in all its forms.
If it helps, keep track each day as a couple if you’ve talked negatively to each other. What you say or your tone might not seem negative to you, but it might to your partner. It can be as easy as marking it in a calendar or taking two empty jars and filling it with two different coloured beans. Left jar is red beans for negative and right jar is black beans for positive.
In order to make your relationship work, according to Harville, You have to be willing to ride the donkey together.
“Marriage is like growing flowers. You always have to work on it. If you don’t, the weeds start to grow and choke out the flowers.”
from getting the love you want
[…] OVERCOMING YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE: AT HOME COUPLE THERAPY […]
[…] RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS […]