The A B C of parenthood…The Birth Visits

Who doesn’t want to pay some visits to the new mom right after birth?

Whether you are 23 or 33, being a new parent can be scary and overwhelming.  THE home visits are the most stressful element after giving birth.  Naturally, everyone and their mother wants to come and visit the NEW IDOL.  

Here are some of my findings and tips that I learned on the go, by studying other mothers or by suggestions made from pediatricians. I hope that this can be helpful to you. 

Set boundaries for the birth visits

Don’t hesitate to set up your boundaries, even it means passing for an overbearing mother.  WHO CARES. You are the parent, it is your child and your mental health is at stake.  TRUST ME. Ok, why would you? You don’t know me, YET.  

One way to politely do so is by discussing it with your partner and close relatives, before the birth. By establishing certain “rules”, it could help prevent certain let’s say…divergent views of opinion.

Bear in mind that it’s not because you set boundaries in not allowing your newborn to be passed around like a football that your child will become antisocial or scared of strangers.  It’s completely OK to leave him or her in the bassinet when there are people around. 

This is why you need to limit visitors after the birth.  The baby might feel uncomfortable if it’s over-handled and passed around.  This is especially so if the baby needs to sleep or feed.

Do you have smokers in your entourage?  Make sure they wash their hands and wait half an hour before handling the baby.

Birth visit memory

One of the most memorable birth visits that I had for Junior is when a couple of friends came to visit.  Granted, I didn’t get to appreciate it to its fullest, nonetheless it is one I never forgot. 

Our friends arrived bearing nutritional gifts and prepared diner and set the table.  I was trying to breastfeed at the time and I wasn’t very comfortable with it. On top of that, I had had a C-section which had left me completely traumatized.  During the whole visit, I stayed in my room with Junior.  My friends came to visit me in my room, we chatted, they looked at the little peanut and then they left. They cooked diner and hung out with Mr. Nobody (my ex-husband). It was a stress free visit, and for that I was grateful.

Your baby is not a toy

You gave birth to a baby, a HUMAN BEING, not a puppy, not a kitten, not a doll.  

People, especially women, we have to admit it, become completely wackos at the sight of a newborn/baby.  It’s UNBELIEVABLE! This is the type of thing that drives me insane! 

If your baby doesn’t say anything while in the bassinet, it means that he or she is content.  Leave the baby alone.  

Moreover, passing around a baby could affect its bone development.

When your baby is asleep, DO NOT allow your guests to touch the baby, even you! Back off! Leave him alone! Once more, it isn’t a toy. I know, he is so damn cute, you just want to eat him up, right ?

Germs

Another reason why you should limit the passing and holding around the baby is because of germs.  A newborn can easily catch unwanted germs.  Even though breastfed babies are more resistant to them due to the immunity in breast milk, they can still catch something.  

That’s why you should ask your guests to wash their hands before holding the baby.  They should also avoid touching the babies face or kissing it.  Furthermore,  putting your finger in the baby’s mouth is a HUGE NO NO.  You should never allow your guests to do that to a newborn, especially if that guest is wearing nail-polish.

Young kids, unless it’s the babies sibling should not hold your newborn.  Kids are not only germ carriers, but might not hold the baby properly.  I’m not saying that they should never hold a baby, just not the first month or two.

How to deal with birth visits

Again, try to set boundaries for the birth visits beforehand.  Otherwise, here are some polite, diplomatic ways to deal with them.

Instead of letting yourself get imposed an “OH CAN I HOLD HIM PLEASSSSEEE, OH CAN I TOUCH HIM” (double slap), take the lead. Impose yourself by saying “Would you like to come and help me change, bathe, or could you hold the baby while I…? (Run to the bar next door and get hammered).  

This will help limit some tension, believe me. Because at the end of the day, when everyone has left and you find yourself alone at last with the baby, all HELL breaks loose.  The baby will relive his day, be all kinds of fussy, and YOU, you’ll be exhausted from the day of hosting.  Yes, some people do expect you to host them when they come to visit. Welcome to the grumpy house!  

Put yourself in the baby’s place a little bit.  Wouldn’t you be fed up and annoyed if you had been touched all day?

Overstimulation will make the baby overtired and irritable and trust me, you don’t want that. 

Finally, too much handling and passing around, will confuse the baby’s sense of smell and cause distress.  That’s why it needs to stay close to the parents (not the grandmas) and not be held and passed around so much.

Limit the visits and the number of people each day.  Four at a time maximum should be fine.

The grandmas

For the people where your (unreasonable) behaviour might be a little touchy such as with your in-laws (mother-in-law), use diplomacy. How do you say NO to your mother-in-law or even to your own mother?

The easiest thing to do is to invite for a visit your parents or in-laws (father and mother only), but not at the same time of course! By having an intimate visit, it will be less stressful and more private.  The baby won’t be passed around as it will only be the grandparents.  

However, get ready to receive unsolicited advice. Whether it be your first baby or second one is irrelevant. It’s super ANNOYING.  However, see it sort of like a rite of passage.  As women, we try to pass on the secrets of motherhood.

I have two examples of kids (mine) that I didn’t allow to be constantly held and passed around when they were born.  Guess what? They are not antisocial, quite the contrary.  It didn’t make them afraid of strangers. This means that I mustn’t have been that far off with my way of handling visits. 

In the recent years, I have observed toddlers who had been held and passed around a lot as babies to be a lot more timid, shy and constantly after their moms. I’m just putting it out there.

It took me a while before I realized what was best for me.  This didn’t happen overnight. So you’re welcome to apply these tips right from the get-go in order to have stress free birth visits right off the bat.

Final piece of advice

Remember this: do what is right for you and your child.

Don’t do it because that is what society dictates or your mom, sister, mother-in-law, sister-in-law. It’s quite alright to do things differently.

Will it feel a bit uncomfortable to be out of the norm? YES. Being seen as different or as the black sheep is really not the end of the world. In fact, it will even make you stronger.

However, I’m not saying to intentionally be different. Just do what you feel is right for you, your partner, and your baby.

You might think you know before the baby arrives how you want to parent. The truth is though, it will most likely change once your baby is home.